WRDM5

Fellas. Break out your best chat-up lines, splash on some Joop and shave your balls because this week’s WRDM blog is called 'WRDMWomen' BECAUSE we’re talking lady DJs. Women DJs are everywhere now, you see them playing in bars, nightclubs and pubs all over Europe. I’ve never seen a lady wedding DJ but its only a matter of time.

For a period in the late nineties you couldn’t move for women DJs called Lisa. I don’t know anyone apart from Lisa Lashes that has survived from that group. It would be interesting to know where Lisa Loud, Lisa Pin-Up, Lisa L’Anson and DJ Lisa have ended up. Ping/drop me an email if you find out, readers!

Before we crack on with the reviews let me tell you a true story about forbidden, teenage lust...

Back when I was in the 2nd year at secondary school I had a mate called Draper. He had a black bomber jacket with the Cream logo stitched into the back and he STILL didn’t dip his wick until he was 22. Can you believe it? Anyway, he knew his stuff and was always giving me DJ mixes. One morning during maths he slips something my way, I put it on my desk, looked down and saw a CD with a beautiful blonde woman’s face staring back at me. I didn’t have time to read who it was because I had to quickly put it in my bag as Mrs Ramsay kept looking over at me – I’d already been in trouble that morning for chucking a Bunsen burner at Mr Simpson in Physics – but I had this woman’s face locked down. She was in my head and I couldn’t shake the feeling of absolute longing for her. I felt sick in my stomach because I still had three more lessons before the end of school.


Maths dragged on and all I could see was this mysterious blonde bird amongst all the equations. French went by slowly and all I wanted to do was whisper dirty French words in this blonde piece’s ear hole. Finally, PE arrived and I was able to have a very quick, sneaky wank in the bogs over the thought of me and this sexy blonde DJ from Draper’s CD doing sexy, filthy gymnastics together. I done her from behind and I couldn’t wait to get home so I could do her again properly whilst looking at the inlay card.

So, I’m the first one on the school bus aching to get home. It feels like the longest bus journey ever – it literally felt longer than the one Nelson Mandela took on his long road to freedom.

I got home, shot through the door and legged it straight upstairs. I grabbed a load of bog roll from the bathroom, skidded into my bedroom on one foot and landed on my bed. I chucked the bog roll down, shouted to my folks that I “feel unwell and need a lie down” and then locked the door behind me. I took my trousers off, then peeled my pants down, my hips making slow circles until the pants were round my ankles. I was half naked. I could feel Jo Guest’s eyes burning into the sledge hammer between my legs from the poster on the ceiling. I took my blazer off, unbuttoned my shirt until you could see the white t-shirt I had on underneath and knelt on my bed. I wanted to savour this one so I thought back to this gorgeous blonde DJ from maths and how good a time we had in PE as I slowly took the CD from my bag.

I closed my eyes and put the CD in front of me, I was ready for action. I opened my eyes, looked down and saw this dream woman looking up at me again. I smiled a really dirty smile and read the words on the cover...


'DJs At Work Volume 3: Jon of the Pleased Wimmin.'


I went fucking BANANAS and scratched my fingers through Jay Kay’s smirking face on the Jamiroquai poster hanging on the wall. I then got dressed and went down stairs for a cup of tea in a right fucking mood.

I never did listen to that CD.

Not all women DJs are transvestites though. Here are a few of my favourite DJs with attitudes.

Miss Kittin. Miss Kittin is a former girlfriend of Felix The Housecat and it was during their time together in America that he taught her how to mix. Miss Kittin has tattoos all down her arms and talks over all of the records she plays (typical woman! LOL). I’ve seen her at Sonar twice and once at Bugged Out! in 2004, each time she has impressed me with her fashion sense, tits and track selection. 7/10




Tania Volcano. This little Peruvian pocket rocket is famous for being the only female DJ to grace the famous Circo Loco decks in Ibiza AND London. She has long brown hair and plays her house music deep. Sometimes all you can hear is the kick drum, bass and clap when she breaks it all down for you. Not even a hi-hat. I’ve seen her once and my mate has seen her thrice. 5/10




Helen Alien. This East German babe is unique. She has a boring first name and a futuristic surname, and she ONLY plays futuristic tunes. My man in the know tells me that she only plays white label vinyl and only plays each record once before throwing it away. More money than sense? Yes. Her dad is the current director of music at the Royal Opera House in London. 9/10 (I love posh birds)




Maayan Nidam. Apart from Lisa Pin-Up, this is probably the fittest woman DJ on the circuit. She is a brunette, looks like that Magnum model from the late nineties, lives in New York but, unfortunately, goes out with Wolf from Wolf + Lamb. Maybe one day I’ll get my wish and she will Fitz me in to her life. 10/10





Kerri Chandler. This is the first woman of Detroit house and she laid the foundations for ladies like Maayan Nidam to get actively involved in our dance music world. I always thought that she must be fucking brilliant because of all the hype but I just read on Wikipedia that she PRAYS before making each record. I don’t mean to knock a legend like Kerri Chandler but if she needs to pray before making records does she really have that much faith in her own abilities? I don’t know what she looks like, what kind of figure she has, I’ve never seen her play live and I couldn’t name one of her tracks but I see her name on flyers a lot and I know she was there from the beginning so I have to respect that. Saying that, so has Derrick May and, in my humble opinion, he is just a big loud-mouth American show off who can’t build a bridge that its not 1987 anymore. So what if you gave Carl Craig a job? Carl Craig was ALWAYS going to make it big in this game. You were just a stepping stone, mate. A fucking stepping stone! You can’t keep living off of ‘Strings’ all your life, baby. Derrick, you better back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up. This is how I do it on my side of the pond. In fact, any of you fake ass mutha fuckers from Detroit that wanna bring it, bring it because I aint singing, I’m bringing drama. Fuck you and your mutha fucking mama. I know I’m paraphrasing 2Pac but he is one of my favourite rappers and it is the only way I can truly vocalise my feelings about this. Sorry Mrs Chandler, but it’s a 1/10 from Tonka.





Rant over! PMSL

So, that’s my review of lady DJs out of the way. We can get onto some serious stuff next week. I’m breaking things down and explaining genres in next Tuesday’s weekly blog. Not everyone can tell the difference between hip-hop and techno so Tonka here is going to simplify things. Tune in next Tuesday…

Before I go, if there is anyone out there reading this who wants to take me to Miami to cover the Miami Music Festival in 2012 email me on tonkawrdm@gmail.com. I’ve got chatting to a bird out in Miami on one of them sex chat room forums and, as I cant afford to pay for plane tickets or festival tickets (accommodation wont be a problem, I’ll be in her dormitory), I’d be more than happy to WORK for somebody out there so that I can see her in person.Covering letter is as follows:

I write the best reviews about things and am deadly serious about dance music, DJs and dancing in hot places. I write regularly in the Resident Advisor forums and it is my ambition one day to be one of their best and most popular feature writers. 99% out of a 100 people agree with what I have to say when I’m talking about dance music so I feel I would be a benefit to your company should you choose to base me in Miami for the length and duration of next year’s festival.

I studied for, and obtained, 3 Cs in my GSCE English exams so you will not have to employ a proof reader.

Yours sincerely,
Tonka

Email me at tonkawrdm@gmail.com for my full name and mobile number should you need to confirm flight details by phone.