WRDM9

Hello lads, I’m back.

WRDM9 has been a long time in the making because I’ve had to clear a lot of this article with lawyers prior to publication. Dr Tom Kyte of ‘The Blackhead Lawyer Shop’ in Wednesbury has now tipped me the wink and I’m allowed to go ahead with what is promised to be a ground-breaking post of a blog on this Tuesday’s weekly ‘Weekly Review of Dance Music’ WRDM blog post by Tonka, me.




In WRDM9 now.

The controversial nature of this week’s blog post is down to the demons that are currently possessing my soul. My personal hell is also the reason for the one week self-imposed WRDM hiatus. You see, I am going through a personal trauma most of you fuckers will never realise exist because, the truth is, when you stop watching soap operas your life becomes one…and I haven’t watched Coronation Street for about 6 fucking months. The sad bastards who read this shit will never experience true heartbreak. You will never know what it is to keep a devastating secret that, once released, will affect everyone around you and put their lives on a surprisingly different course. The lonely cunts who sit down and read what I write wander through life never having to make the big decisions, never looking at their options, and never choose themselves over what they think they SHOULD be doing. Tonka is a husband. Tonka is a dad. Tonka should be taking care of family life. Tonka should look himself in the mirror and decide what he needs. Tonka should be 100% sure. Tonka should be decisive. Tonka should be happy knocking out sub-standard dance words to thousands of dickheads who want to read them. Tonka should never have let his eye off the blog ball with the International Special. Tonka should be rejoicing in the love and happiness dance music gives him. Tonka should scrap his idea for filming himself. Tonka should do some more research and then pay an apologetic visit to the Birmingham tomb of Tony De Vit. Tonka should stop feeling sorry for himself, quad-drop a deadly cocktail of lager, ecstasy E tablets, marijuana and Special K Ketamine drops and think himself lucky to be alive. Tonka should STOP giving a fuck what people think and write from the heart. Tonka should name and shame the SHIT nights he’s had out clubbing and get on with ‘WRDM9 – Dance Floors Of Disgrace.’

I’m putting the ‘hate’ back in ‘blogging’.

Godskitchen, Birmingham 2000




Godskitchen is the little sister of Gatecrasher, and should be treated as such. With maximum disrespect. Back in the year 2000 trance was the music du jour for the clubbing world and, in the trance world, Birmingham was the pig-ignorant, backward ex-girlfriend of Sheffield, and should be treated as such. With maximum disrespect. Back in the year 2000 Draper and I took the 51 bus to Birmingham City Centre and spent the evening drinking and sniffing whizz in Flares, with an eye to joining Madders and co. at Sundissential later on. Upon arriving at Pulse we were informed that a reveller had just DIED of ecstasy on the dance floor and there was to be no more hard house at Pulse that evening. What to do? Bakers was about another 25 minute walk back up the arse end of Broad Street and we were already too jazzed to go to Snobs. So, we did the third best thing and walked down to whatever the name of the place Godskitchen used to be in 11 years ago.

We joined the back of a massive queue and fucking hell, this story is boring me already. Sorry. Next.

0/10

Hoxton Bar and Kitchen, London 2004




In 2004 I had a brief fling with a bird who only hung around with gay men and lesbian ladies. Her name was Katie and she worked at Selfridges. She had a brown bob hair cut and had a bit of meat on her bones. Know what I mean? She wasn’t great looking but she showed a distinct and immediate interest in me at a house party I attended in Shoreditch, and I’ll go with anything. I’d been to see Sasha at Clapham Common earlier in the day with my Italian drug dealers before heading into Camden for Bring and Share at The Enterprise. Bring and Share is now a bingo night but back in the day it was one of the best monthly parties in London. No question. I got learned how to do the drugs there properly. After B&S we went to a house party of a friend of the bloke who runs B&S, and as soon as I walked in the door this bird called Katie approached me and we hung out from there. Simple.


Anyway, Katie and I met a few times after that before going to The Cross. Cut a long story short, we did way too much and I was holding her upright by the morning. She was a fucking mess but we agreed to go out again the following night. I was to meet her in Hoxton Bar and Kitchen.



I’d spent all day with the Bring and Share crew at the Edinboro Castle dancing with Liam Gallagher, Tamzin Outhwaite and Gem and was trollied again. I arrived on time in Hoxton and joined the back of a massive queue to get in. I queued for over an hour to get into a bar I hate, in an area I hate to meet a fat, ugly cunt I only wanted to fuck. Still, I waited in line. In I got after an hour and a half of queuing and went to see Katie on the dance-floor. She hardly said hello to me, we spent the next two hours almost talking whilst fellas were pinching my tight, pert arse left, right and centre – I had black Lee jeans on that hugged the snug frame of my cute 24 year old shit box perfectly. I didn’t realise until half an hour in it was a gay night. So, I was miffed for having to come to Hoxton in the first place, I was vexed for having to queue up to get in and I now had the rage because my anus was getting lightly abused by men. And this bitch wasn’t talking to me. Around 1am she took me to the side and said “I don’t think this is working”. I went back to Muswell Hill in a huff and wanked myself to sleep. In a huff.


0/10

That’s this weeks lazy WRDM comeback special out of the way. This must be the worst one in the series so far. Sorry. Read WRDM 1 to 8 again NOW to remind yourself that I used to be good at this.

I’ll be back next Tuesday with WRDM10. It’s a landmark number so I’ll be in a better mood and will be celebrating with the showcase of my first hit single ‘Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be)’ and an E X C L U S I V E interview with Dan 'Bloodbath' Beaumont, out of Disco Bloodbath.

Peace out, you muthafuckin' readership, you. Follow me on Tweeter if you want: @tonkawrdm

Tx