WRDM11 part one

Happy New 2012 to everyone who reads this blog. Not EVERYONE reads this blog though, so to those who don't, I say nothing.

2011 was an eventful time for me. I became a father to a son for the first time, I got into Neil Young, my parents split up, I started this blog as therapy and after a tasty tax rebate I now drive a blue-door hatchback saloon. However, going back to the therapy bit, the Weekly Review of Dance Music does nothing to ease the pain of being me. To be Tonka is to be consumed by an unparalleled urge to speak nothing but the truth (even when I can't handle it) in a world of dance music bullshit, label/production/party collective lap-dog pandering, superstar DJ double-jive and back-stabbing blogger jealousy. I see myself as a modern day Axl Rose, and if he were alive today I know he would see me as himself too.

So, what to expect from 2012? I predict that there will be 12 months of unadulterated dance music in EVERY nightclub, more exclusive interviews on THIS blog and for Wolf and Lamb from 'Wolf + Lamb' to finally reveal their true identities.

I also see where dance music is heading, musically:

Minimal Hard House

At the beginning of 2013 Minimal Hard House is the genre everyone will say defined the year 2012 in the UK underground. At the beginning of 2014 Minimal Hard House is the genre Radio 1 will say defined Ibiza 2013. At the beginning of 2015 Lady Ga Ga will provide vocals to a Minimal Hard House backing track by David Guetta, have a number one smash and kill the genre in one FOUL swoop.

For the record, I created this genre with the release of my debut track, Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be). This now ground-breaking track was both minimal and hard house in one FELL swoop. If you listen carefully there is hardly any fucking melody in it (minimal), the bass line can hardly give a fuck about itself (minimal) and there is a "Come On" vocal every 4 beats (hard house). I can't believe nobody had thought to put these two genres together before. They say the best ideas are discovered accidentally but Ecstasy World (Where I Wanna Be) was no mistake. I sat down with a copy of the Discogs website and went through all the merged dance music genres; funky house, tech house, minimal techno, industrial tribal, industrial vocal handbag, minimal funk, acid jazz and drums and bass. Once I'd been through all the genres I watched some Sherlock Holmes and deduced that the only two dance music genres that hadn't yet been put together were minimal and hard house. Sometimes you just can't see the fog for the trees. Know what I mean?

I'm not saying I'm a musical genius, I just saw a gap in the market and pounced. I'm not kidding myself that 'Ecstasy' (as clubbers have started calling it) will change the world either. It's just a piece of very well put together dance music. In 20 years time I don't want Bill Brewster pouring over the complexity of it and trying to find hidden meanings to the lyrics because there are none. It's just a track to take loads of drugs to and have a bit of a boogie with. Seriously, like every track from every genre, its JUST dance music. Music to dance to. No more to it. Wannabes who write poetic reviews about dance music have it ALL wrong. Its all just muzak for people like you and me to get fucking terminated to in basements.

But I did invent the minimal hard house genre. Me. Tonka.

O T H E R   N E W S

I was reading The Sun the other day and they were banging on about an awards ceremony they were setting up for our brave troops in Iraq. I thought, "Nice one. I love watching the Brits and I love watching Rambo. I'm DEFINITELY up for watching The Sun Military Awards." If anyone has taped it to watch later, it was a fucking let down so feel free to tape over it. I sat through 2 hours waiting to see who won 'Most Confirmed Kills'. There was no such award. It was all about honour, bravery and SAVING lives. Boring stuff that NOBODY is fucking interested in. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought war is all about sending foreigners to Heaven. It seems The Sun have other ideas :-/

That's part one of WRDM11 out of the way then. I'll be back with part two next week where I'll be predicting WHAT ELSE 2012 has in store for us. I'll be pointing you in the direction of the places to dance and showing you pictures of the DJs you'll be dancing to.

I should have an interview with a couple of very well known DJs racked up too. Watch this space (I've given a clue away by sticking italics in that last sentence...).

Once again, Happy New Year and follow me on Tweeter by ringing THIS number: @tonkawrdm