Sell Out 3

Chocolate is the only thing on Earth that EVERYONE loves. Old age pensioners love it. Babies love it. Teenagers love it. People in their twenties love it. Young professionals love it. Middle aged people love it. Whether you’re white, black, Spanish or Chinese, you LOVE chocolate.


Picture the scene: Tonka (me) is sat back, legs crossed, on his brown leather settee absorbing the latest issue of Mixmag. The dusty living room air filled with the sounds of children playing outside and the last few minutes of Jennifer Cardini's El País mix booming out of a Gear 4 home stereo. He (me) (Tonka) reaches out to the arm and picks up a steaming mug of tea by the handle, chuckling as he turns the face of it towards him and reads the fading text,

I ONLY DANCE TO DANCE / '01 WALSALL RAVE SQUAD.


With a gulp Tonka swallows and immediately throws it all up over the glossy centrefold of Disclosure glaring back at him. "What happened to dance, eh?"

Click goes the box and with a flick, the screen comes to life. Slurping on the tea, almost necking it. Channel 385. AKA. "Fuck dance. Old school rap is where it's at."

Yet more tea gets spat all over Mixmag because THIS came on:




"What happened to all the gangster rappers, eh?"

Tonka needed a MASSIVE pick-me-up. Skittles? No. More tea? No. Chocolate? Yes. The doors of the chocolate cupboards flung open. Open arms rummage. Pulling. Emptying. Ready To Die. On.

Imagine the image: Tonka (me) stretched back on the brown leather settee. Well thumbed Mixmags and empty Nákd Cocoa Mint wrappers all over the floor. The optimistic backing of Things Done Changed blocking out the noise of the kids outside as the deliciously yummy choco fruit and nut combo melts around the edges of his (mine) (Tonka's) mouth.


Until that day I'd always said Yorkie was my favourite chocolate bar. From that day on I've lived entirely on Nákd Natural Balance Healthy Snacks, Nákd Crunch Bars, Nákd Oatie bars, Nákd Infused Raisins, TREK Protein Bars and Nákd's brand new TREK Protein Flapjacks. I don't need to eat anything else in the pantry because I get all my healthy protein and stuff from Nákd food products.

I'll be back soon with an EXCLUSIVE preview of Marv N J's London Electric show at Loft Studios, the article I wrote that The Dabbler BANNED and a review of Mathew Jonson's new album, Her Blurry Pictures. I've been listening to it for the last few weeks and if you buy it, you're in for a proper treat. PROPER.




In summary: only listen to 90s rap, don't believe the hype, drink tea and eat Nákd food. It tastes brilliant and it sounds like the word, "naked". Eh, lads?

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