Remix of the Week

When you fall into the mud after you've been thrown off of a horse, you have to get back on top of him/her as soon as you can before wiping the mud from your legs.

That is the famous saying I have ALWAYS lived by.

Friday's WRDM is TWO all-dayer and Saturday's after party have fucked me right up - I won't lie. My head still feels like it's a MASSIVE hollow boulder full of polystyrene and my legs are literally two breadsticks wearing a pair of 32/32 navy blue Uniqlo slim fit jeans. Whenever I think of something to say out loud my mouth just tells me to fuck off and keep quiet!

"Why, Tonka?"

Well, that's what triple-dropping ecstasy tablets, sniffing coke, licking whizz and necking Special Ketamine powders up the nostrils ALL WEEKEND does to you (me). What a weekend though, eh? Tonight I look, feel and sound like Worzel Gummidge but what's left of the part of my brain that stores memories is shaking me by the hand and saying, "thanks mate".

This week's Remix of the Week is a remix of a cool song by a two cool producers on a cool label. It's the beautifully named Fear of Numbers (Leo Zero Remix) by Footprintz on Crosstown Rebels, I mean Visionquest. I was drawn to review this remix not because it's currently on the front page of RA and I'm not in the right frame of mind to go crate digging down Phonica with Simon Rigg, but because I absolutely love the name of the track.

“Why, Tonka?”

Well, I was always going to make my name by promoting the effects of ecstasy to hundreds of people a year on the internet - that was obvious from an early age - so I devoted my studies to deliberately achieving an E in maths GCSE at St. Francis of Assisi RC Secondary School, Erdington Road, Aldridge, West Midlands, WS9 0RN in 1997. Maths was my strongest subject and one I was predicted to get A* in. I wanted to subvert the whole education system, begin my future prophecy as a dance music blogger, stick it to my teachers and etc, etc. Warming to my properly fucking wacky scheme, I stretched the remit to achieve straight Es throughout my exams.

The GCSEs came and went in a white-hot blur of questions and answers. I studiously answered the optimum number of questions incorrectly on purpose to gain an E in each subject…or had I? The night before we were due to receive our results I slept at the bottom of the stairs. With sweaty fingers and a shaky face I caught the envelope as it flew through the letter box. “If my plan to achieve straight Es has come to fruition, it will serve as quite possibly the greatest anecdotal link to a review of a maths related techno single in sixteen years time the world has ever seen”, I whispered to myself.

Can you imagine how angry I was when I saw a C (English) and an F (French) amongst all of the Es on my report? I got an E in Biology, an E in Geography, an E in Design Technology, an E in Religious Studies, an E in Art and an E in maths. I always did have a fear of numbers.

ROFLOFL (rolling on floors laughing out fucking loud).

The Leo Zero Remix on Fear of Numbers by Footprintz is fucking brilliant.

Leo Zero converts the original into a chunky slab of Balearic. The lyrics seem slightly out-of-sync with their surroundings, yet on the whole the balmy disco angle works surprisingly well. Not my words, the words of James Lawrence at Resident Advisor magazine, and I can’t describe it any better.

Footprintz – Fear of Numbers (Leo Zero Remix)

I feel much better now. A lot less gloopy. In fact, I feel like going out to the internet shops and treating myself to a dance music related t-shirt. Teshno may have just done a feature on them, but they didn’t include my friends at Collect who have released a range of LIMITED EDITION clothing that transports you back in time…to an Age of Love.

Look, they've got a SALE on!

Wear a Helter Skelter top and imagine being chased around a field by some jealous coppers because you’re hugging people instead of being drunk and disorderly. Stretch the neck of a Chicago House t-shirt over your head like you’re from Chicago listening to some house music. Parade around Western-Super-Mare in a replica Omen t-shirt to see if any of the shitheads on the beach give you the thumbs up sign with their thumbs.

I’ll be back ASAP with stuff about dance music FYI that will make you go OMG.

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