WINNER + LOSERS

I was playing golf with Sean Connery at the weekend in LA, USA. After smashing me ten nil in front of the lads for still having a Nokia, talk turned to the Draw a DJ competition I started a couple of weeks ago.


"Who's judging it, Tonka?"

"Me, Brian Sewell, Alastair Sooke and Melvyn Bragg."

"Nice one"

"Yeah, we're meeting up on Tuesday at The Crown in Northolt to decide the winner."

"Any favourites so far?"

"There's been a couple of good Seth Troxler cock paintings. The rest are fucking shit to be honest with you."

"Lol. Good luck with that then, laddie."

SWOOSH

"Fuck me, Con! Another hole in one, you cunt!"

"That's it, Tonk. You'll never fucking beat me at golf. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE winner at golf...me. And THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE winner in your Draw a DJ competition. You better choose wisely...

...and tell Melvyn that if he ever slags off ANY of my films again on the telly I'm going to stick this bastard six wood right up his fucking arse and pot him down every golf hole in Scotland. Ok?"

Right, who's won the competition then? You must be fucking bursting and I know for a fact that THIS song will be going through your head right now:

If you're familiar with how Resident Advisor pick the best DJ in the world every year, you'll be familiar with how I'm picking the best drawing.


HELEN ALIEN by ADAM HEAPS wins NOTHING


FAKE BLOOD by CHRIS TAYLOR wins NOTHING


MAD MIKE off of UNDERGROUND RESISTANCE
by BLACK ACID wins NOTHING

BLOKE OUT OF THE ORB
by ROBERT DAVIES wins NOTHING


SHAUN RYDER by STEPHEN FLYNN wins NOTHING


JOHN DIGWEED by LAURA MACKIE wins NOTHING


TONY DE VIT by HOWARD CARAVAN,
I mean CANAVAN wins NOTHING


REBOOT by GREG SAWYER wins NOTHING


PRINCE by KATRINA MAYHEW TAIBE wins NOTHING


ERICK MORILLO by HOWARD CARAVAN,
I mean CANAVAN wins NOTHING


YOJI BIOMEHANIKA by MATT BIRKINSHAW wins NOTHING


LAB 4 and TIM WESTWOOD by
SARAH HOWELL wins NOTHING


BRANDON BLOCK by WILL STERLING
wins NOTHING


KIKI by MARK PAPWORTH wins NOTHING


RICARDO VILLALOBOS by THE DABBLER wins NOTHING


PROSUMER by SIMON ELVINS wins NOTHING


TONY DE VIT by S-BO
(not real name) wins NOTHING


RICARDO VILLALOBOS by MESSY MARII
(real name) wins NOTHING


SETH TROXLER by KEVIN SHOOM wins NOTHING


CARL COX by HOWARD CANAGAIN wins NOTHING


SKRILLEX by WORMSTIR wins NOTHING


DAFT PUNK by ANT HUGHES wins NOTHING


THUGFUCKER by HOWARD C wins NOTHING


SKRILLEX, SASHA and TONY BLACKBURN by
THOM PROVEN (however fucking popular it was) wins NOTHING


DJ SIR JIMMY SAVILE by
LOVEJOY CAVENDISH wins NOTHING


RICHIE HAWTIN by LOUISE MEAD comes 3rd and wins NOTHING


Out of all the losers, REDSHAPE by KRISTAN J CARYL
comes 1st (second place) and wins NOTHING


SETH TROXLER by RUSSELL HEAPS is fucking brilliant and is the deserved WINNER of the following THREE prizes:

  • One signed copy of a burned Miss Moneypenny's CD (TdV - Glamorous One)
  • One signed photo of me
  • One signed book of Russell's choice (from a selection chosen by me)
Russell, I'll be in touch privately for your address and stuff.

What a competition and what a day! The Guardian today chose to put me on the front cover of their definitely read section of the website that can be found by searching for the words 'blog jam' in their tiny search bar and scrolling halfway down the page to click on the link. Suck on that Little White Ear Plugs, Popbitch and Minimal Messages. You jealous muthafuckas.

Please shower WRDM with praise in the comments section. I have so little.


I'll be back very soon with my most offensive post yet and MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Brandon Block. Stay tuned.

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