Thanks for coming, lads...and women! Welcome to the party. The Weekly Review of Dance Music is two (2) today!

Children are NOT allowed unless accompanied by an adult.

If you're a regular, you know that I use a LOT of blue language and talk about drugs. If you've got any sense, take your kids down the road to Mixmag, but if you do want to stick around you better be up for taking all of what I've got to say in, and on, board. If not, then you can fuck off and THINK about taking drugs whilst I'm sat here with my black Samsung Windows 8 laptop resting on my thighs pretending to have a birthday party and writing about it whilst off my box on speed and lager.

Last year, I held a sex party and spurted SexMix69 all over your faces. That mix has since been taken down by Soundcloud because Biggie Smalls' mom complained that I hadn't paid royalties on Another.

This year you find me twice as old as I was last year. You see me twice as happy about the state of dance music but twice as angry at the state of my role in it (dance music). Whilst Teshno, Minimal Messages, Resident Advisor and Little White Earplugs go from strength to strength WRDM is still looking up from the gutter. Only one thing warms me up, a comfortable smile stretches the skin on my face as I watch across the street at Vice desperately calling for help as it gets swept up by the bin men. If I find out that any of the contributing writers for Vice get paid for the whining, try-hard shit they submit I will literally be sick AND throw up at the same time.

Believe it or not, I've still not earned a penny through this blog (except for a tidy Google Ad Sense and Google Affiliate Ads revenue stream and regular shopping vouchers from my collaborations with Total Media) and it breaks my fucking heart. I honestly don't care though, I write for the love of it, NOT as a means to try and crowbar my way into mainstream journalism by name dropping and Tweeting selected journalists at Mixmag for #banter and recommending DJs who may or may not be able to get my blog banded about more regularly. THAT kind of behavior disgusts me and it is something I will NEVER ever whatever. Ever.

Anyway, let's stop talking shop and get this party started, eh? Let me get you a drink, what is it? Lager? There's Stella in the fridge, Fosters out on the roof top and there are little sausages in that cardboard bowl on the side.

First on the mic is my man Hank, come on Hank say hello:

That was a top Tonkin' warm up. Definitely not hurried or ill-thought-out.

How you all doing? KNOCK-KNOCK/DING DONG Ooh, who's that at the door? It's my mate, Leonardo, from Aldgate! He'll be over there in the corner dishing out the ecstacys and coke bags. Get your wonga out and get involved. It's 5 per one, 10 for three and 50 for the bag. Correct change only, ok?

Right, get on the outside of that and let's get cracking. It's the main event. When RA got to 100 podcasts they enlisted Richie Hawtin. Carl Craig did the 200 and DJ Harvey got all tribal on 300. WRDM is very proud to announce a special LIVE mix by Tonka (me). It was recorded at the official WRDM is TWO party down at Scootercaff√© in Waterloo last weekend.

I've just triple-dropped four pills and only want to dance to 1 hour and 20 minutes of party classics. Come with me...

Breathless is the word you're probably looking for. And “fucking brilliant”. That set was recorded live and mixed by me on 6 x Technics direct-drive turntables and Ableton Live 8.3.4 in the basement at Scootercaff√©, Waterloo to a crowd of close friends, Dan Beaumont, Kristan J Caryl, one half of 2 Bears, Shane Watcha and a selected crew of dance music head-hunters. If you want a tracklist, get in touch. You won't find that Lipps Inc/Technotronic mash-up (19 mins in) anywhere though because I remixed that myself LIVE as it happened on the spot in the club behind the decks as I played live.

WRDM is TWO at Scootercaffé was THE party classics party of the decade. If you weren't there, frankly, you're going to have to take my word for it when I say it was the best party ever held on Lower Marsh.

DOWNLOAD NOW before the suits at Soundcloud take it down like they did SexMix69.

My jaw is swinging now. Before we all start going negative let's sing a song:

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday dear Weekly Review of Dance Music,
Happy Birthday to you!!!

Time for cake.

I'm going for a walk. I'll be back next week with loads more quality posts and MASSIVE QUESTIONS with a very special guest.

WRDMFM is currently in post-production too, isn't it Mo Man?

The Weekly Review of Dance Music will NEVER stop. Thank you all very much for sticking with me - I mean that. You know. Please, please, please share my truth (blog) around the internet like cocaine being carried around Freddy Mercury's house on top of a well-dressed midget's head.

FOLLOW: @tonkawrdm
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WRITE: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

BIG thanks to all who have been reading so far, especially:

All at Maouris
Stephen Flynn
All at Total Media
All at Resident Advisor