The Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes remix of I've Had The Time of My Life by the Black Eyed Peas settled down in my head as I swerved into the northern French shipping port of Calais on my big purple motorbike. I was on my way home after a timely time away (from home (England)).

Where have you been, Tonka?

I'd been put off going to Eastern Electrics a couple of weeks ago by Seth Troxler's naked DJ set so I decided to go to the Bugged Out! Weekender in Minehead instead. You can't argue with Inner City, Hudson Mohawke, L-Vis 1990 and The Neon Dreams live plus Diplo, Chase and Status, Erol Alkan, 2ManyDjs, Joker, Eats Everything, Simian Mobile Disco, Maya Jane Coles, 2 Bears, Riton, Andrew Weatherall & Ivan Smagghe, Sub Focus, 16 Bit, Friction, Zinc, Redlight, SBTRKT, Joy Orbison, Martyn, Julio Bashmore, James Holden, James Holroyd, Matt Walsh, Casper C, Stopmakingme, Green Velvet, Kevin Saunderson, L-Vis 1990, Bok Bok, Ben UFO, Girl Unit, Jam City, Jackmaster, Deadboy, Spencer, Justin Robertson, Hannah Holland, Severino, Dan Beaumont on the decks so I jumped on top of my massive purple motorbike and hit the M4 followed by the A303.

To be honest, it was fucking insane. Highlights were:
  • Maya Jane Coles' surprise vocal set where she dressed up as Katy Perry and sang ALL of her songs in a faux American accent. LOL.
  • Green Velvet's surprise afternoon set of old-school party classics; I Am The Music Man, Agadoo, The Wheels on the Bus, Grand Old Duke of York and Cha Cha Slide. PMSL.
  • Andrew Weatherall and Ivan Smagghe dressing up as Bob the Builder and Bob the Builder's missus and making everyone laugh. ROFLOFL
I'd done so many mushrooms on the first day that, for the rest of the weekend, every other person I saw seemed to be wearing red and they were all surrounded by children. As you can imagine, it was a terrific atmosphere but still fucking weird.

I even saw Dan Beaumont and Severino REMOVED BY LAWYERS REPRESENTING TONKA some REMOVED BY LAWYERS REPRESENTING TONKA over the side of a dodgem in a proper shady shroomagination.

Doing all of those hallucinogenic drugs at the Bugged Out! Weekender meant that when I finally sobered up at home I realised that it wasn't even January 2011 anymore and I'd actually been in Bognor Regis. What a weekend!

Hang on a minute, you said you'd just got back from France.

After getting messy at the Bugged Out! Weekender I always like to take it down a notch and chill out abroad. LOL. Let me make something clear to you now: chilling out to you is listening to Steven Tang and smoking spliff, chilling out to me is driving my enormous purple motorbike around foreign countries and testing the ecstasy in loads of different clubs. And so it was I powered into Bongo Bongo Land.

I like to call France Bongo Bongo Land because no matter which club you go to, the DJ always seems to play at least one track with a bongo in it.

Simply put, basically and at the end of the day, I got absolutely fucking terminated at eight French clubs in four days:

84, rue de Trévise, 59000 Lille, France

Magazine was the best. I did six halves, four lines towards the end and got my shit box pinched at least twice.

Le Buck
23 boulevard Saint Maurice; 87000; Limoges; France

Le Buck was atrocious but I managed to get a free pint after complaining to the manageress that my waiter had given me too much head on the previous two servings.

8 avenue de L'energie; 67800; Bischheim; France

Cool name, even cooler clientele  This place is as cool as fuck and the music they play is proper fucking cool.

VIP Room - St Tropez
Résidence du nouveau port; 83990; St Tropez; France

The only reason the bouncers let me into this place was because when they saw me pull up on my gigantic purple motorbike they thought I was part of Prince's entourage. I tipped them five euros each as I quitté the club 10 minutes later.

Rex Club
5 boulevard Poissonnière; 75002; Paris; France

This was just like being in Club Fabric in London except I was surrounded by French and English people instead of Italian and English people. I would definitely go again.

Ninkasi Kao
267 rue Marcel Merieux 69007 Lyon

This place was hilarious. I got friendly with some locals and we were talking all Japanese to the bar staff. Proper banter. Proper funny.

7 Rue Marcel Sembat - 33100 Bordeaux / rive droite

By the time I got to this place it had shut down! I went to a nearby Irish pub, sniffed a massive line of ketamine in the bogs and shat myself. I didn't know who I was, where I was, when I was, why I was or what I was...and I was controlling the fiddle music with my mind.

LC Club Nantes
21 Boulevard des Antilles; 44200; Nantes; France

Every good nightclub has at least two Happy Hours on cocktails and shots, LC Club Nantes was no exception. I refuse to read or speak French but I do know what the text 2hrs Happy Hour positioned next to the picture of a cocktail means and I know how to point aggressively at menus. The cocktails were shit and the music was even fucking shitter. After drinking Cosmopolitans for two hours I stuck to the lager.

I'm sure you'll agree that today's post was well worth the two weeks wait. Two weeks is a long time in politics and an even longer time in dance music blogging. One week you're BLOG OF THE WEEK in The Guardian, the next you're desperately trying to make yourself heard and remembered over the mutants who write similar stuff but not half as good as the all of the posts that you've been writing for over TWO YEARS without getting paid or offered any sort of freelance work despite it all being fucking brilliant.

I'll be back soooooooooooooooooooooon with a very special MASSIVE QUESTIONS and more of the same, more of the same and more of the same.

TWEET the fuck out of me: @tonkawrdm

LIKE me like you mean it: facebook

MAKE me offers: tonkawrdm@gmail.com

PS. Check out these HILARIOUS pictures I took abroad. Talk about funny foreigners!!! LOL and ROFL.

Who drives a pink and green car?! ONLY abroad!!! LOL
I don't need a fucking sign to stop me walking off the edge of a cliff abroad! LOL. Only in France!!! ROFLOFL
Somebody needs to tell Kelloggs in France that Tresor is a techno nightclub in Germany before they end up with egg on their faces!!!! PMSL
Is it me or should Thierry Mugler sack his advertising executive?! HAHAHA
Vic and Bob always used to say that you can't give a baby booze. They ought to get on the blower to Kelloggs in France and tell them in French that Smacks means bags of heroin in English and they should NOT be marketing them to children and babies! LOL