The Weekly Review of Dance Music is proud to present to you more items of merchandise for purchase. Each product is painstakingly created en masse by me in the Castle of PĂșbol, surrounded by misty images of Gala and a small army of "yes" men and fawning young ladies, high on gin and Hennessy.

The collection I present to you today was conceived after spending three days alone, six days in company and four days separated from myself because of the effects of what I'd done in company. Know what I mean?

Please place your orders through Twitter, Facebook or email.

Secretsundaze Ping Pong Paddles
Price negotiable on YOUR financial circumstances
Secretsundaze are the funnest, and funniest, people in Sunday afternoon clubbing in east London. THAT is as undisputed as Tyson was in 1988. However, what a lot of people don't know is that they are keen pingers.

What's a pinger, Tonka?

Well, a pinger is a a a a a a a a a a a a a someone who likes ping pong. I have it on good authority that Giles Smith and James Priestly love ping pong so much that they have even installed a ping pong table in the Secretsundaze office and force their beleaguered staff into futile doubles games against them each morning, every morning, Monday to Friday. I'm incredibly proud to host their very first foray into ping pong merchandise.

Prince Corn on the Cob Sex Forks
Price negotiable on YOUR financial circumstances
Prince only deals with purple, right? WRONG. Yellow is Prince's second favourite colour - anybody who watched Prince and the New Power Generation perform Gett Off at the MTV Video Music Awards in Los Angeles will bear my witness.

He doesn't only eat the purple bell-end of his own cock either, my sources have confirmed that he loves eating corn on the cob too. Prince being Prince, however, the diva in him doesn't like to get butter on his fingers so his office have asked the team (me) at WRDM to manufacture a job lot of official Prince Corn on the Cob Forks for His Royal Highness and his fans. I'm happy to help.

Mixmag Cigars

Price negotiable on YOUR financial circumstances
Celebrate Great Britain's most successful dance music magazine by sucking on one of their MASSIVE cigars. They come in one size; MASSIVE and they take fucking ages to clock. I've been smoking on Mixmag's cigar for over two years now and it still hasn't got me anywhere near having my own column, I mean, I still haven't got anywhere near finishing it yet.

I know people who know people who know some proper virgins with perfect cigar-rolling thighs. WRDM employed them for this mass-market tribute to my favourite mass-market magazine. Get cancer in a sophisticated way with Mixmag Cigars.

Super Sandwell District
Price negotiable on YOUR financial circumstances
Imagine that Sandwell District had their own beat 'em up game on the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) called Sandwell District.

What happens when the NES gets superseded by the Super Nintendo and they need a Sandwell District game for that? What do the computer whizz-kids at Nintendo do?

They develop a sequel with better graphics, call it Super Sandwell District, use the time machine that boffins from the year 2093 transported back to them and use that time machine to get Super Sandwell District to WRDMHQ in time for THIS post.

WRDM Drug Bag

Price negotiable on YOUR financial circumstances
Get your ecstasy E tablets into Club Fabric in style with this almost charmingly transparent drug bag. The only detail being the subtle WRDM legend and Shepherd logo emblazoned all over the back of it.

Whack your pills, or powder, it doesn't matter, into the WRDM Drug Bag, shove it in between your balls and arse-hole and then strut straight up to the bouncer with your arms out wide and smile. Arrogance.

If you're a lady clubber, simply plonk it down your Wonderbra.

Who say's that the Weekly Review of Dance Music is absolutely fucking shit these days, eh?

I'll be back soon enough with the following:
  • WRDMemes
  • WRDMFM podcast #1
  • WRDM25
  • MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Tim Sheridan, Brandon Block and Mr C
  • MORE news and reviews
Keep reading, keep sharing WRDM around the internet like a bitch in a gangster rap song and contact ME via all available medium for praise, constructive criticism and offers of paid work.

TWITTER: @tonkawrdm
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GMAIL: tonkawrdm@gmail.com