Ladies and Gentlemen. MASSIVE QUESTIONS with SURGEON / Part One had more page views on last Tuesday alone than the entire blog had in December 2014 and January 2015 combined, and I'm about to kill the series off with Part Two! I must be a right fucking idiot: who's going to carry on reading the Weekly Review of Dance Music without the patronage of a well-known dance music industry expert (DJ or producer) every few weeks? I wouldn't. And if I wanted dance music reviews, there are millions of dance music websites offering scores out of five and ten every fucking day. WRDM is nothing special. If I wanted hilarity, like in the Hilarious Lookalikes I do, I'd go on Wunderground all week and read their hilarious articles. I'd then share them around my Facebook and Twitter friends like everybody else does because of how hilarious I think they are.

I'm literally laughing my throat inside out right now at the thought of that hilarious article they wrote a couple of years ago about North Korea saying that America is going to be weak for generations to come because they all listen to EDM over there! ROFLOFL. Can you imagine?! They then said at the end that Kim Jong-un (Kim Wrong-un, I call him. Know what I mean, lads?) is going to get Surgeon and Perc to go over and set up some hard techno camps or something! LOLoutLOUD. I honestly don't know how Wunderground get away with jokes like that and I wish I was as daring and hilarious as them.

Here's Part Two of my EXCLUSIVE interview with Surgeon:
Many thanks to XLR8R for the pics /
Q. Who do you reckon killed Lucy Beale?
A. Who is Lucy Beale?

Q. Do you have any words of advice for any young DJs or producers reading the Weekly Review of Dance Music?
A. Keep your focus on the music.

I said it last week, and I'll say it again now. What a lovely man. That was the final ever MASSIVE QUESTIONS on the Weekly Review of Dance Music. Imagine Surgeon and I on stage right now with our sincere faces on, holding hands and taking a bow, red roses being chucked all over us for a minute or so. Now imagine us sat backstage, drinking pink champagne and bitching about our fellow DJs and music writers.

You can buy the recent re-master of the above Surgeon song, amongst others, from Phonica Records on here: phonicarecords/surgeon-pet-2000

You can also watch Surgeon play live with Blawan as Trade at House of God next Friday night, not this Friday, next. Here's some information about it from my friends at Resident Advisor: residentadvisor/HOG

The following night, he's playing in Club Fabric's Room 2 with Regis and Terry Farley, I mean Francis. Terry Francis. And if you're Dutch or live in Amsterdam and can speak Dutch, zal hij het ​​spelen van 5 Days Off op donderdag 5 Maart.

For the record, I think that Ian Beale murdered Lucy, and Max and Les Coker covered for him. 

- How, Tonka?

- Well, I think that Ian and Lucy had an argument after Peter told Ian about Lucy dusting Charlie Chalk up her nostrils every night. Lucy then ran off to Deals on Wheels for a bit of stress-relief rumpy-pumpy with Max across his desk. However, Max was in a mood because he'd fallen out with Lauren earlier that day, so he chained Lucy up in his Portakabin and dished out an inordinate amount of BDSM, S&M and extreme sexual horseplay. He then called his secret internet chat-room mate (this bit will be revealed on Thursday's live episode), Les Coker, over to have a go on her whilst he stepped outside to watch and masturbate through the window on the garage forecourt.

As Les Coker was taking some post-coital pictures of an embarrassed, worn-out and still chained up Lucy - who was now in a grave state of tristesse, a topless and drunk Ian thundered into the Portakabin and went berserk. He picked up one of Max's whisky tumblers and almost caved Les Coker's skull in - he was only stopped by Max, who waddled in after him with his trousers around his knees. Max and Ian then grappled on the floor for a bit as Les Coker sneaked out and home to his missus.
Ian thought that Lucy had allowed herself to get chained up because she's into that kind of thing, so he carried on telling her off, this time for being debauched as well as a seasoned sniffer. Max was stood in the background, head bowed, wiping his top lip and crying. Just then, Les Coker walked back in, sneering, and showed Ian copies of the pictures he took of Lucy and demanded ten thousand pounds before he'd destroy them. Ian was so ashamed that he paid up there and then, so Les Coker walked out, laughing...and sneering.

A red-faced and extremely angry Ian then knocked his daughter's block off and made Max help him drag her frame to the woods. It was there that Lucy finally died of severe stress to her nether regions and of being unconscious in the cold for too long.

Right, I'm off. If any online/offline magazines want me to dust off MASSIVE QUESTIONS and perform it for them, for money, I'll, of course, agree.

Oh! I've just read back that Wunderground bit from earlier on. I hope that you don't think I'm being sarcastic. I really do think that they're great, hilarious, very satirical and really, really hilarious. You might wrongly assume that I'm being sarcastic because I've often been heard in the pub and seen online describing Wunderground as "absolutely fucking shit." Without context, "absolutely fucking shit", makes it sound like I don't rate Wunderground at all, and that I'm confused by its popularity and jealous of their continued success. You couldn't be more wrong.

When I say, "Wundergound is absolutely fucking shit", I'm talking in youth slang, like how a nineteen year old girl might describe the new album by whoever nineteen year old girls are into at the moment; Tulisa or something. She'd say, "Man, have you heard that sick new Tulisa album? It's absolutely fucking shit." It's just like how you and I would use the word, "bad", to describe something good in the 1990s.
I'll be back next week with loads of dance music reviews, MASSIVE QUESTIONS with ANNE SAVAGE, a round-up of the zaniest and most hilarious Wunderground articles to hit the web and a huge cash give-away.

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