A message to Mixmag, DJ Mag, VICE, UK Thump, Beats and Beyond, Guardian Guide, DJ Broadcast, Teshno, Minimal Messages, the going out section of the Metro, Andy Secher at Hit Parader, Circus Magazine, Mick Wall at Kerrang, Bob Guccioni Jr. at Spin, Resident Advisor, Attack, Rolling Stone, the clubbing section in The Sun and Pulse: the game's up. You've had a good innings, but the ruler's back.

Postman Pat has sent me a few things this week so I'm offering the senders the courtesy of plugging their stuff on the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music.

Here's this week's reviews TODAY.

So Many Colours by José Padilla
I've not done any proper research into the Spanish DJ and self-titled "chill master" José Padilla's background because after putting his name into Wikipedia, I got sucked (not literally) into reading about a prisoner of the same name who's currently chewing on twenty one years worth of porridge (not literally) in America for aiding terrorists, but So Many Colours is his first solo album, I think.

I've listened to So Many Colours twice now; once when I was preparing myself some scrambled eggs on toast for lunch and again when I walked to the shops in Northolt to pick up some brand new red apples to eat at times of my choosing. It was blasting out of the WRDMHQ living room Funktion One rig when I was making the scrambled eggs, and I thoroughly enjoyed the album and the scrambled eggs. I'd smothered it all in salt, pepper and brown sauce and followed it with a packet of Grab Bag prawn cocktail Walkers crisps. Mmm.

Listening to So Many Colours in a Great British suburb, on the other hand - on the way to the grocer - is not half as enjoyable.

- Why, Tonka?

- Well, you're listening to music that belongs in Ibiza, not the London Borough of Ealing, and, personally speaking, it fucked me up having to walk through Oldfield Circus trying to avoid dog shit, surly school kids and empty cans of Tyskie to a background of beautiful, easy-listening Balearic soundscapes, dream house and some normal vocal songs that make you feel relaxed, but ready to dance. Know what I mean?

Check this out: when you say the name, José Padilla, out loud, with your eyes closed, you're taken to that magical Balearic island in Ibiza; Ibiza. It's just like when you put a shell to your ear, you hear the sea. When you say the name, José Padilla, out loud, with your eyes closed, you're taken to Ibiza. Like when you hear the sea after putting a shell to your ear. Same thing. I've been saying José Padilla with my eyes closed so much this week that I've ended up clinically deluded.

So Many Colours by José Padilla


Released: 1 June 2015
On: International Feel

Tunnelomics EP by Dan Beaumont
I'll tell you what's impressive: the Tunnelomics EP by Dan Beaumont. There are three tracks on this EP that dip their BPMs incrementally by one throughout the life-cycle of the release. I've never seen that done on an EP or full-length album before. Look:

1. Tunnelomics..........................................................................124 BPM
2. The Bath House....................................................................123 BPM
3. The Bath House (Mr. Tophat & Art Alfie Remix)......122 BPM

Has there ever been an EP or full-length album that has dipped (or risen) incrementally in BPMs by one? Answers to:

PO Box 69
The Tunnelomics EP is not just impressive for the clever BPM programming and the politically sideways use of innuendo to suggest that the people who run the economy in this country are all metaphorically fucking us through our back tunnels, it's also ramma-jamma full of great tunes. Tunnelomics opens the bath house doors to a fantastic middle and end bath house of an EP. Increasingly Craig Richards lookalike, Matt Tolfrey, thought that the second track on the EP, The Bath House, was so good that he plopped it on his recent Fabric CD as, weird this, also the second track on his mix.

Has there ever been a song on an EP or full-length album that re-appears on a dance mix compilation CD with the same track number as the EP it was originally heard on? Answers to:

Mrs. Tonka
PO Box 69

Tunnelomics EP by Dan Beaumont


Released: NOW - buy here: beatport/tunnelomics-ep

Everything else I've been sent this week has been, with my hand on my heart, absolutely fucking shit, so please join me in sending out the warmest of congratulations to Dan Beaumont for beating José Padilla on the Weekly Review of Dance Music this week. 10/10 scores are rare, so the young lad has done a terrific job on his Tunnelomics EP. Make sure you BUY it.

Back to what I was saying about the amount of shit swimming around dance music: honestly. I don't know how some people get away with it. Well, I do. In this business, it's not what you know, it's who you are mates with and can do favours for. Most of these DJs and producers are only in the game and getting booked/signed because they've bought a pint for a certain promoter in their club or been cuckolded to suck the cock of a certain public relations boss in front of his fetishist wife.

I'll be back next week with loads more favours for friends in the industry and MASSIVE QUESTIONS with Anne Sav..., no, I don't do interviews anymore, do I?

...Or do I?

Here are all of my social media contact details if you want me to write for YOUR magazine for MONEY or bi-sexual favours of ANY kind (if it gets my foot in the door). I do play away from time to time. Winking smiley face.

Please Like me: facebook/tonkawrdm
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Craig Tolfrey, I call them! LOLoutLOUD