WRDM47 - Politics

It's time to put my party political cards on the table, lads: I don't know who to vote for on Thursday. I haven't got a fucking clue. None of the MPs I see on the telly ever talk my language. I've not heard a single one of them BANG on about dance music or put clubbing in their manifesto; and I should know because I've read every single manifesto in FULL in an attempt to find out which genre of dance music each political party reckons is the best.

Nobody, not even the Conservatives, talks about dance music genres in their manifesto. Nobody, not even UKIP, offers an opinion on which UK nightclub they think is in need of improvement and support. Nobody, not even the Liberal Democrats, pledges to make ecstasy E tablets legal, so that we won't have to pay over the odds to people like Ragdoll in Balham for a gram of weak MDMA after the 7th May. Labour say that they'll re-open the NHS and take mansions and second bedrooms away from the wanker bankers, but do they promise to save The End from being turned into a shop, re-open The End, re-appoint Mr C and Layo as the managers and finally do away with their draconian bouncers and allow chewing gum to be chewed on the premises? Do they fuck. This 2015 UK General Election is a wash-out, and a vote for ANY of the parties is a vote for clubbing apathy, dance music ignorance and recreational drugging indifference. Russell Brand just told me to vote for Labour, but he's done fuck all for UK clubbing since his stint as MTV Dance Floor Chart presenter in the year 2000.



So, be like me and use your imagination to get an idea about what our three main political parties think about UK clubland, drugs and clubbing and read the rest of this BRILLIANT article about dance music, politics and clubbing by me, Tonka, on the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music. Then, make a choice on who to vote for by re-reading this post and sharing it across all of your various social media platforms.

NOW.

THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS CONSERVATIVE COALITION GOVERNMENT PARTY
These fuckers don't know if they're coming or going, do they? Left or right? Liberal or conservative (intentional little c)? Yellow or blue? They are the party of the confused and, thankfully, they've agreed to split up and go their separate ways on Friday morning when the results of the UK 2015 General Election have been counted, verified and read aloud to the Great British nation: the United Kingdom by whoever is doing the news.

David Cameron? David Cam-wrong, I call him! LOLoutLOUD. He looks to me like he's done a fair amount of boozing in his time. He's got that slicked back, greasy-haired look that only men of a certain age, with a certain amount of boozing history can get away with. I imagine that he's also a veteran of Trade at Turnmills for reasons I've not yet thought out properly. Nick Clegg looks like a smoker. I know he is one, but he also looks like one. Boozing and smoking are, as everyone knows, the most boring drugs, so I won't be voting for the Liberal Democrats Conservative Coalition Government Party on Thursday.

THE UKIP PARTY OF INDEPENDENCE FOR THE UNITED KINGDOM
The UKIP Party of Independence for the United Kingdom (UKIP) leader, Nigel Farage, ALSO likes to booze, but he's not frightened to admit it - unlike David Cam-wrong (LOLoutLOUD). Nigel Farage is never happier than when he's sat in a beer garden with a fag in his fingers, a beer down his neck and a twenty-strong posse of tattoed, ultra right wing, skinhead factory workers surrounding him singing songs about the Poles, the Pakistanis, the Jews, the Romanians, the blacks, the Indians, the Greeks, the Spanish, the Italians, the Scots, the gays, the Welsh, the Irish and the Arabs. He's the political leader ALL of us can understand because of how STRAIGHT talking and NORMAL he is.

Apart from smoking and boozing, I'm unsure of his thinking on poppers in nightclubs and Valium at the end of the after-party, but I imagine that he's of a fairly lenient persuasion. I might vote for the UKIP Party of Independence for the United Kingdom on Thursday IF Nigel Farage comes out in favour of poppers and Valium.

THE LABOUR PARTY
Ed Miliband is a right fucking big-headed, bird-brained poindexter who reckons that waltzing about on the telly and the internet with a massive square head on his shoulders and threatening David Cam-wrong with a debate is a good way of getting himself voted in as the Prime Minister of England - did you see him on Russell Brand the other day? Fuck me. Can you imagine him telling us all what to do after the 7th May? Really?

I've voted Labour all of my adult life because I grew up in West Bromwich, and my parents told me that a vote for Labour is a vote for the working class, of which I was born into. Now that I'm fully enconsed inside of the London Metropolitan Liberal Elite, I can no longer claim to be the working class hero I'm often portrayed as, and I'm unsure of whether I can still vote for Labour. Ed Miliband is the type of person who's probably too scared to even try cocaine, let alone half an ecstasy E tablet after a few tins of Dutch Courage. More over, I can't imagine him even getting drunk. Or smoking a fag.

So, how can a...



...hold on a minute, I've just been told that Alan Partridge is voting for them. Nice one. I'm in.

Ed Miliband is fucking brilliant. Get him into Downing Street to clear up this Credit Crunch NOW.

VOTE LABOUR on Thursday 7 May 2015 (if you are a member of the United Kingdom and are registered to vote).

I'll be back next week with LOADS more dance music related content.

Before you go, take a listen to this remix by me. It's the very first ever party political minimal hard house song. It's called, Dave Gets Pumped (Tonka's 2015 UK Erection Remix) by Ian McQuaid. For full details, go to the Ran$om Note website: theransomnote/premiere-dave-gets-pumped-tonkas-2015-uk-erection-remix



You can go now.

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No, don't go just yet. Here's a PS.

PS. If you live in the Ealing North constituency, vote for this bad boy muthafucka: Stephen Pound. He's got his own R&B G-Funk tune, look: