Nobody, not even the Conservatives, talks about dance music genres in their manifesto. Nobody, not even UKIP, offers an opinion on which UK nightclub they think is in need of improvement and support. Nobody, not even the Liberal Democrats, pledges to make ecstasy E tablets legal, so that we won't have to pay over the odds to people like Ragdoll in Balham for a gram of weak MDMA after the 7th May. Labour say that they'll re-open the NHS and take mansions and second bedrooms away from the wanker bankers, but do they promise to save The End from being turned into a shop, re-open The End, re-appoint Mr C and Layo as the managers and finally do away with their draconian bouncers and allow chewing gum to be chewed on the premises? Do they fuck. This 2015 UK General Election is a wash-out, and a vote for ANY of the parties is a vote for clubbing apathy, dance music ignorance and recreational drugging indifference. Russell Brand just told me to vote for Labour, but he's done fuck all for UK clubbing since his stint as MTV Dance Floor Chart presenter in the year 2000.
So, be like me and use your imagination to get an idea about what our three main political parties think about UK clubland, drugs and clubbing and read the rest of this BRILLIANT article about dance music, politics and clubbing by me, Tonka, on the world famous Weekly Review of Dance Music. Then, make a choice on who to vote for by re-reading this post and sharing it across all of your various social media platforms.
THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS CONSERVATIVE COALITION GOVERNMENT PARTY
David Cameron? David Cam-wrong, I call him! LOLoutLOUD. He looks to me like he's done a fair amount of boozing in his time. He's got that slicked back, greasy-haired look that only men of a certain age, with a certain amount of boozing history can get away with. I imagine that he's also a veteran of Trade at Turnmills for reasons I've not yet thought out properly. Nick Clegg looks like a smoker. I know he is one, but he also looks like one. Boozing and smoking are, as everyone knows, the most boring drugs, so I won't be voting for the Liberal Democrats Conservative Coalition Government Party on Thursday.
THE UKIP PARTY OF INDEPENDENCE FOR THE UNITED KINGDOM
Apart from smoking and boozing, I'm unsure of his thinking on poppers in nightclubs and Valium at the end of the after-party, but I imagine that he's of a fairly lenient persuasion. I might vote for the UKIP Party of Independence for the United Kingdom on Thursday IF Nigel Farage comes out in favour of poppers and Valium.
THE LABOUR PARTY
I've voted Labour all of my adult life because I grew up in West Bromwich, and my parents told me that a vote for Labour is a vote for the working class, of which I was born into. Now that I'm fully enconsed inside of the London Metropolitan Liberal Elite, I can no longer claim to be the working class hero I'm often portrayed as, and I'm unsure of whether I can still vote for Labour. Ed Miliband is the type of person who's probably too scared to even try cocaine, let alone half an ecstasy E tablet after a few tins of Dutch Courage. More over, I can't imagine him even getting drunk. Or smoking a fag.
So, how can a...
...hold on a minute, I've just been told that Alan Partridge is voting for them. Nice one. I'm in.
Ed Miliband is fucking brilliant. Get him into Downing Street to clear up this Credit Crunch NOW.
VOTE LABOUR on Thursday 7 May 2015 (if you are a member of the United Kingdom and are registered to vote).
I'll be back next week with LOADS more dance music related content.
Before you go, take a listen to this remix by me. It's the very first ever party political minimal hard house song. It's called, Dave Gets Pumped (Tonka's 2015 UK Erection Remix) by Ian McQuaid. For full details, go to the Ran$om Note website: theransomnote/premiere-dave-gets-pumped-tonkas-2015-uk-erection-remix
You can go now.
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No, don't go just yet. Here's a PS.
PS. If you live in the Ealing North constituency, vote for this bad boy muthafucka: Stephen Pound. He's got his own R&B G-Funk tune, look: