What am I going to tell my grandchildren, eh? Serious question. What the fuck am I going to tell my grandchildren when I sit them down on my knee in the 2050s, my breath stinking of Werther's Originals and barely legal poontang (I'll still be dead handsome)?
- What did you do in the war, Granddad Tonka?

- Which one, Konrad?

- World Gulf Three, Granddad Tonka.

- What the fucking hell are you on about, sonny? When Jezza Corbyn swept to power in 2020, all the wars stopped. He melted down all the nuclear weapons and the world's been fucking boring ever since.

- Sorry, Granddad Tonka. If there weren't any wars when you were a young man, what did you do?

- Well, I used to run a blog called the Weekly Review of Dance Music. It was world famous.

- Really, Granddad Tonka?

- Yes, Konrad. You see, in the 2010s the world was very different to how it is now. You had all these people called DJs who would play music at parties, and people like me would write about them on the Internet.

- People, real people, would play the music at parties, Granddad Tonka? What, like a Music-O-Tron 4000?

- Exactly. These days, clubbers, quite rightly, don't care who's selecting the records down the Apple McDance Hub MMLV. Back when I was a young 'un, there was a cult of personality amongst the dance music community, the paper and online press and the punters that meant talent, hard work, artistic integrity and honesty meant fuck all unless you were "in" with the right people or any good on social media and brown-nosing.

- Were you "in", Granddad Tonka?

- No, I stood apart from all that, laddie. Yes, I interviewed the likes of Soul Clap, DJ Harvey, Surgeon, Perc, Jeremy Healy, Disco Bloodbath, Egyptian Lover, Acid Pauli, Truss, Dinky, Joe Muggs, Pittsburgh Track Authority, Tony De Vit and Tim Sheridan. Yes, I was voted Blog of the Week in the Guardian in July 2013. Yes, I scored an enormous viral hit with Ben Klock - Being Boiled, also in 2013, also with Tim Sheridan, and yes, I was interviewed by the UK's biggest selling news and current affairs magazine, Private Eye, in September 2015 after giving VICE and Thump a good hiding for not paying me seventy five pounds for an article after they promised to pay me seventy five pounds. Yes, I was a special guest on a panel to discuss the future of music journalism at the London Electronic Music Event in 2014, sharing the stage with the woman who was heading up Daft Punk's UK press relations at the time, Terry Farley, Dan Beaumont and some other people who were big hitters in the industry, but not names you'd automatically recognise right now if I told you. Yes, young Konrad, I was "in", but at the same time, I was "out". Know what I mean?

- I don't know, Granddad Tonka. On paper, you sound like you were very much an important part of the dance music community in the 2010s.

- That's beyond question, kidda. What I'm saying is, I had the writing ability, the unique-ability and the down right writing ability to secure top-level, A-list artists who were looking to publicise their work with a writer, your Granddad Tonka, who for many years was on top of, and ahead of, his game without comprising my credibility and embarrassing myself like lots of other writers were at the time. Dance music journalism was a state, Konrad. An absolute state.

And do you think I paid to get into a nightclub after about the year 2013? LOLoutLOUD. Kon, I had nightclubs falling over themselves to write my name down on their A4 clip boards, from about the year 2013. I'll tell you that. I was somebody. I was a name alright. And another thing...

- (interrupting) In what respect, Granddad Tonka?

- You what?

- In what respect were you unique and ahead of the game?

I could go on and finish that hypothetical, futuristic transcript of the conversation I may one day have with our Konrad in 2054, but I was getting bored of detailing my legacy. The point is, I'm sat here at my desk in WRDMHQ, the Northolt breeze swirling around in the back garden, blowing leaves everywhere, and I've got the soundtrack to Sicario by Jóhann Jóhannsson on my CD player. As far as film soundtracks go, I've only ever listened to the Human Traffic one before, so I don't know if Sicario is any good or not in comparison to other soundtracks. It's fucking scary though, I'll tell you that. Every single track on it sounds like it could be the breakdown to every single track on Berghain 07 by Function. When I put it like that, it must be good then.

Sicario - Original Motion Picture Soundtrack 
By Jóhann Jóhannson / OUT NOW


Fuck me. I just did a review without even realising it! What was the point I was trying to make? Well, I'm sat here at WRDMHQ listening to a spooky soundtrack - the Northolt wind howling - whilst simultaneously writing WRDM56 and some MASSIVE QUESTIONS for Bicep (WRDM56 on my black Samsung laptop with my right hand, MASSIVE QUESTIONS on my white Apple iPad 2 with my left), and I think I'm trying to say how great the Weekly Review of Dance Music is compared to everything else in dance.

I'm the nicest man in dance.
I'm very kindly interviewing Bicep soon, even though they forcefully rejected my offer to be in a WRDM Dance Hunks 2016 calendar - at least they responded; I'm still waiting to hear back from Daniel Avery about an interview based entirely on our mutual love of late 80s/early 90s WWF. I'm trying to pitch the calendar idea to various websites and magazines at the moment, but nobody is having it. Apparently, DJs and producers just don't like the idea of posing topless in garages and kitchens anymore. At this rate, WRDM Dance Hunks 2016 is going to be eleven months of me in my pants and one of Dave Clarke (the only DJ so far to have agreed to appear topless).

So, what is the point of WRDM56? I don't know anymore, it's beginning to fizzle out a bit now, like a firework. I started off thinking that I could do a really clever piece where an old age Tonka talks to his grandson in the 2050s about the state of dance music in the 2010s, but that petered out when our lickle Konrad pissed on my bonfire by asking me why I thought I was something special.

I hate it when people question me.

Speaking of people questioning things, how about them rumours about Seb Fontaine being banned from Sainsbury's for life? I doorstepped the Malibu Stacey resident outside his Twitter HQ earlier today to ask for a statement:

No smoke without fire. He must have done something properly fucking mental to get banned from a supermarket. I'll ask Mike Coupe what happened. I'm playing golf with him at the weekend.


WRDMerchandise: Christmas Catalogue- Christmas shopping has never been so dancey.

MASSIVE QUESTIONS with BICEP - Talking about The Troubles has never been so dancey.

Jay-Z - Poppin' Tags (Tonka's Reggae Remix) - Brag rap remixes have never been so dancey.

And so much more...


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